"I will try to look past the hurt in order to find the love."

Today, I drudged off the elevator onto the fifth floor a little wet and cold from the December rain. After a long week of finals and a horrendous night at work I had every intention of walking straight towards my own apartment, into my warm bedroom, and dive underneath my extremely comfortable blanket. I never imagined I’d find myself incapable of moving past that first door.

I stood, staring at the ugly heavy door for what felt like a life time. I must have raised my hand numerous times with full intent to knock furiously and wait impatiently for an answer. Even more numerous times I stared longingly down the corridor, trying to will myself to move from the spot I’d stood almost a hundred times. It seemed so feasible to walk away and never come back. Within twenty four hours I knew I’d be in a car headed home, safe and long gone from any pressure or questions. I attempted to convince myself that I had better things to do; that I was wasting my time.

Yet I still couldn’t manage to walk away. 

For months I had been running past that door, positive that what lie beyond it was no good for me. I was certain the only thing behind that door was another chance at heartache. I refused to walk past the threshold and be welcomed into a comfortable, home like place. Because I knew, regardless of how much I loved it, the door would one day close in my face and I’d be forced to cope on my own.

It’s happened before. What makes this time, this door, any different.

I raised my hand once more.

I knocked quickly and soon regretted it.

And then……no one answered.
 
~Danielle

"Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong,
I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair"

It feels like a lifetime…..

I sat here tonight, rummaging through all these old posts and a huge wave of memories flooded into my mind. It amazes me at the numerous things in my life I’d forgotten about or at least tried my hardest to forget about. As my eyes scanned each song lyric proceeding a heartfelt description of the humors or trials of my life, I was instantly taken back to the very moment my hands touched the keyboard and typed furiously away. I can’t explain why I needed to read each overdrawn post, but for some reason it just made me smile. Even those posts which I shed tears over while writing managed to bring a grin to my face. To everyone else in the world, they are just the simple ramblings of a girl who knows too many words for her own good. To me though, they are the pages in my book.

Everyone I know is at the sudden point in life where they need to find themselves. We are all trying so desperately to figure out our place in this world. We stumble and fall and lose touch. Up hill or down hill, it makes no difference. It’s just one long search that feels never ending.

But I realized that in looking for the person I’m supposed to be, I lost who I was before. I no longer did things that made me feel accomplished. I was swept up in the hum-drum life of getting things done and not stopping for two seconds to create an outlet for the frustration, the tears, or the laughter. I missed the girl who wrote those all-telling posts.

I guess each trip down memory lane for me made me see that I need it back. Even though no one reads or sees these long winded excerpts any more, it offers me a great chance to let go and just……find me again.

~Danielle

“I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life”

How can you forget that smile?

The way it just made the worst day turn into the most amazing day. It was just one basic part that made him so wonderful. With an everlasting faith and truthfulness, he just simply made life great. I’m not sure he knew how to be sad. It was like, when God created him, he left that ability out. Instead he was given an immense gift to make people laugh and feel good.

“Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone”

I remember when he saw me in the hallways, he always waved and smiled. Even if he was around a sea of people, whenever he spotted me he waved high and smiled bright. Somehow, he made even the dullest days awesome. He had this way of cheering up a room and making us roll on the floor with laughter.

“And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here”

I don’t get tears from laughing. Not anymore.

“Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too”

A year later, it still hurts like it was yesterday. The tears still burn and the pain still stings at my heart. We all feel it today. Hearing about the accident. Finally getting the news. Sitting through the funeral. Each and every moment plays through my head like an awful movie.

“And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here
You won't be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say goodbye”

I spent a long time hating God and feeling resentful. Why him? Why this amazing boy who had nothing but faith and love in him? I couldn’t understand. I wanted a solid reason. I hated that I didn’t get to say goodbye, and that it all happened so suddenly.

“And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven
Cuz it's all shot to hell down here
I hope that I find you in heaven
Cuz I'm so...
Lost without you down here”

But after time and a reassuring dream, I knew that’s not what he wanted. His unfailing faith taught me that sometimes God needs people more then we do. He lived his life fully everyday. He touched each one of us and fulfilled what God put him hear for.

“You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say gooooodbye”

I know he’s smiling that beautiful smile down on all of us today. Wishing he was here and always watching over us.

“Goodbye”

This song sums up what I can’t form into words about today.

We miss you, Jon. And we’ll always love you.

~Danielle